I'm an empty nester.

This weekend is a Pine Valley Christmas staff retreat. I had intended to go, but I decided not to. There are two main reasons why. Our youth Christmas shopping trip is Saturday, and I can't miss band practice Sunday.

Here, let me explain myself.

The shopping trip might seem like a stupid, and possibly selfish reason to skip the retreat. I see it as making myself available. Jeremy can't run all the stuff we do on his own and as a youth staff I am making myself available. Also, (especially during this busy season) it's hard to see people and spend time together. The reality is I'm going to be leaving in January and this is an awesome opportunity to be with the people I love for a whole day.

As for band practice it's as simple as this: I would be letting everyone down by missing it. We're recording in a few weeks. We've been working on writing new music and dialing in on our sound. We're at a point where we need to refocus and define what direction we will take. I've let them down enough by not being assertive...by not stepping up to the leadership role I am in.



In other news, I think that I may be done with school TOMORROW. I have half of a unit quiz and then a final to take tomorrow and that's all of it. There's nothing more. This is exciting.

Always check your drawstring

So, I'm back from camp. Last week wasn't that bad actually. Still the same, only better. I had some friends last week that weren't there before, and they made the week a lot easier. Devin wasn't there. That made it a lot easier for me too. Although, I do feel bad that she had to miss the last week. It's just that being there with her makes me feel anxious, nervous, depressed, and literally sick. It's weird because it is only at camp. I don't really understand it. It's weird.

Some of my weeks highlights:
1) My shorts coming off while I was doing a double front flip off the diving board
2) The Pine Valley chupacabra
3) Rain every day
4) Pay check (even if it was tiny)
5) Miss Eden playing nurse and cleaning out my cuts
6) Finding a quarter and practically doubling my pay that day.
7) The endless supply of chocolate milk.

Here we go again...again.

I just got home from Mia's house...and I'm packing to leave for camp. BLAH!!! I'm glad I'm home tonight, because that means I can go to church in the morning. This means that I will get to see people that I haven't seen all week, and that will make my week at camp a bit brighter. I am looking forward to seeing some of my camp buddies like Jake, Eden, etc. I'm pretty sure they're going to be there this week.

Anyway. My back is feeling better. I'm hoping that I'll get some good sleep tonight and I'll wake up tomorrow with a brand new back! We'll see though.

I just saw random fireworks outside. They were pretty.

That's all.

Here we go again.

Ok. So, Devin just told me that there is a Camp staff banquet this Saturday. I'm going to Maura's (my niece's) first birthday party this weekend. I had no prior knowledge of this banquet. They didn't send a letter, or call me. My mom even called to see if it was alright for me to be late because I'd be out of town, and no mention of a banquet then either. So, yeah I'm going to miss the banquet. I feel like with a lot of things they expect you to just kind of know what's going on without actually telling you. It's absolutely frustrating. It makes me feel left out.

On a similar note: I really have no desire to play for worship at camp anymore. Playing guitar in worship is a major passion of mine. I always say that I'd rather be playing, because that's how I worship best...with my guitar. They ruined worship for me. I will explain how/why.

First of all, we never EVER have practiced any of the songs. The majority of them I've never even heard. I feel useless up there fumbling around trying to learn the song while I'm playing it. The point of an electric guitar is to accent the acoustic, but I can't do that when I don't know the song. So, basically I play the same chords as the acoustic guitar...and that's pointless. I feel useless.

Second, I feel unimportant. If I have a question it takes a long time to get an answer. If I have a problem it takes forever to solve it, even if it's not complicated. I feel like everyone involved is too rapped up in what they're doing to help me. And honestly, what they're doing isn't hard, complicated, or involved at all. It's just like they assume I should be fine on my own.

Third, I feel like I'm the one who always gets screwed over. i.e. I can't plug into the sound system and therefore have to use a tiny amp that no one can hear anyway. Here's what put me over the edge and made me not even want to play anymore. I believe it was Wednesday night at snack time I was hungry so I ran real fast and ate a snack in about 3.4 seconds. I did this so hastily because I'm supposed to be over at the chapel early because of worship. I don't know why though, because I don't do anything other than stand there and wonder why I have to be there. But anyway. I walk in to find a TV where I usually stand. All of my stuff in unplugged and left in a pile. The acoustic was plugged into where I had been plugged into the system. Why it had to be plugged in there, I don't know. It was fine where it was before. So, campers are coming in. I'm unplugged, frustrated, and angry. So, I just get all of my stuff and put it off to the side.

"If they don't want me to play, then I won't! I mean they didn't tell me about this, they just let me find all of my stuff unplugged. GAH! This is IT...I've had it. I'm not going to play at all. At least then I won't have to deal with this..."
- My thoughts at the moment of occurrence

I felt unwanted. Discouraged. Useless. Defeated. Like I didn't matter to them. I had already felt kind of left out or excluded. This didn't help that feeling.

I don't want to feel like that this week. I'm afraid I will. Pray?

Thank you.