Ok. So, Devin just told me that there is a Camp staff banquet this Saturday. I'm going to Maura's (my niece's) first birthday party this weekend. I had no prior knowledge of this banquet. They didn't send a letter, or call me. My mom even called to see if it was alright for me to be late because I'd be out of town, and no mention of a banquet then either. So, yeah I'm going to miss the banquet. I feel like with a lot of things they expect you to just kind of know what's going on without actually telling you. It's absolutely frustrating. It makes me feel left out.
On a similar note: I really have no desire to play for worship at camp anymore. Playing guitar in worship is a major passion of mine. I always say that I'd rather be playing, because that's how I worship best...with my guitar. They ruined worship for me. I will explain how/why.
First of all, we never EVER have practiced any of the songs. The majority of them I've never even heard. I feel useless up there fumbling around trying to learn the song while I'm playing it. The point of an electric guitar is to accent the acoustic, but I can't do that when I don't know the song. So, basically I play the same chords as the acoustic guitar...and that's pointless. I feel useless.
Second, I feel unimportant. If I have a question it takes a long time to get an answer. If I have a problem it takes forever to solve it, even if it's not complicated. I feel like everyone involved is too rapped up in what they're doing to help me. And honestly, what they're doing isn't hard, complicated, or involved at all. It's just like they assume I should be fine on my own.
Third, I feel like I'm the one who always gets screwed over. i.e. I can't plug into the sound system and therefore have to use a tiny amp that no one can hear anyway. Here's what put me over the edge and made me not even want to play anymore. I believe it was Wednesday night at snack time I was hungry so I ran real fast and ate a snack in about 3.4 seconds. I did this so hastily because I'm supposed to be over at the chapel early because of worship. I don't know why though, because I don't do anything other than stand there and wonder why I have to be there. But anyway. I walk in to find a TV where I usually stand. All of my stuff in unplugged and left in a pile. The acoustic was plugged into where I had been plugged into the system. Why it had to be plugged in there, I don't know. It was fine where it was before. So, campers are coming in. I'm unplugged, frustrated, and angry. So, I just get all of my stuff and put it off to the side.
"If they don't want me to play, then I won't! I mean they didn't tell me about this, they just let me find all of my stuff unplugged. GAH! This is IT...I've had it. I'm not going to play at all. At least then I won't have to deal with this..."
- My thoughts at the moment of occurrence
I felt unwanted. Discouraged. Useless. Defeated. Like I didn't matter to them. I had already felt kind of left out or excluded. This didn't help that feeling.
I don't want to feel like that this week. I'm afraid I will. Pray?
Thank you.
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1 comment:
Josh...I love you, I really do and I understand completely that you are really upset...But remember that there are several sides to this. The Campers dont get to experience worship hardly ever so even the noty well dont stuff that Pine Valley gives them is AMAZING! The Fact that you dont quite know what your doing doesnt fase them at all...i doubt any of them even notice...They just love being able to worship God with someone who cares for them leading it. The other people on the worship team Probably feel similar to you on the fact that they dont feel prepared either. It cant possibly just be you if it is as bad as you say. Some other people have to feel uncomfortable and insignificant too. So make it better. Figure out a way to better prepare yourself and the others on the worship team. Now about that whole thing with no longer enjoying worship because of this stuff...At seneca we had a chapel staff training about how Satans distractions can come through in something even as Holy as worship...because we are sinful. Dont let Satan Destroy your time or Praise to God. It is far too important for that to happen. I will pray for you and the worship team the rest of this summer and i hope it changes...Love!
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