Bologna shoes

So, I forgot to mention that I gained 3 pounds at Reach. A few people who were there know that my goal for the week was to gain 3 pounds. I wanted to gain weight because I've been loosing it. The first week at Pine Valley I lost 5 pounds. You may say, "Well, that's because you were working hard." I was working hard, but that's not why I lost weight. I lost 5 pounds because I hardly ate. I have somebody to thank for that (or I should say not thank). Some of you may know who that is, some may not. Anytime I would eat I felt like I was going to vomit.

I strongly believe that people shouldn't be in ministry if they have personal problems or reoccurring sin present in their lives. Those things make you less able to serve. Because I believe this I can understand why Pine Valley is so "touchy" about this subject. Their attitude is a "leave your personal junk at home" kind of attitude. And I believe that to be true, although I personally have more of a "If you have personal junk, leave yourself at home." attitude. If you have personal stuff going on and your at camp, you will be distracted. Distraction is not good, because you're there to minister. Now, what if you had no personal problems/sin issues and were (contractually yet willingly) committed to serving, BUT you had personal issues forced upon you without choice. What then? How are you supposed to "leave it at home"?

You may be wondering what this has to do with me (and if you are you must be pretty thick). I'm talking about myself. I had "personal junk" forced upon me...while at camp. So, why am I complaining about it? Because I've never told anyone how I really feel about it.

I felt like I had 10 minutes to deal with it then after that I had to pretend that I wasn't dying inside. This didn't happen before camp, and I had no idea it would happen during camp. So, you would think there would be overflowing compassion for a hurting brother. You know, lift me up, encourage me, etc. Well, there was...for the 10 minutes I was allowed to deal with it. I felt alone. Like nobody really cared enough to take the time to listen to me. I felt alienated, like I had to carry this all inside and no one would come along side of me and help lift my burden.

I've never told anyone how much resentment and anger I've held in my heart about this. Or how much bitterness this has caused me to have.

I'm going back next week. I don't want to. I am though. I'm only doing it because I love those kids so much. I'm praying that God will focus me completely on them. I'm going to hate working from breakfast until 4. The only reason I have to persevere through that is being with the kids after that.