So, I just spent the last 3 and a half hours reading a book I borrowed from Jordan Harvey. I'm about two thirds of the way through it. I actually only put it down for two reasons. First, I'm tired and stiff from reading for that long. Second, after the last chapter I read I really need a break. While I was reading I had Windows media player going on. I had some Chevelle going, then I set it to play all of my Project 86 albums (best decision I made today next to showering). One song that really hit me was PS from their Drawling Black Lines album. It's an incredibly powerful song. Especially when you're reading what I was reading. Of course I'm supplying you with the lyrics...
Project 86 - PS
Her heart...
Her heart bleeds
It is a basis for your heartfelt hunger so gaze
At the page at the faces of nameless...
You're alone again
And this distortion is an apt replacement for
An unquenchable desire for more
More pages strewn across this sickening floor
I can't look at this, I can't look at you, I can't look at me
If they saw what those eyes have seen
Oh how her heart it would bleed
If she only knew those abusive roots
And how the children would weep
If they only saw what those eyes have seen
It always keeps us longer than we wanted to stay
It always takes us further than we wanted to go
But you don't seem to mind at the time
Begging to be set free...from what we were meant to be
Innocence Sold out to Addiction
It's inside you and your soul is longing, yearning
Pleading to be set free
Within your eyes, within my eyes, within our eyes
There could never be a more complete perversion of what we
were meant to be
And with all that is in me I hate this
As we're sinking inside this ever-feeding illness
We are all quite silent
Sitting still
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Friday, September 28, 2007
Mr. Clean
Yeah, last night something came over me. Maybe I was possessed. Maybe I went insane. Maybe it was that stupid stuffed monkey sitting on the floor over there that has been staring at me for days that got to me. I'm not too sure what any of that has to do with cleaning my room, but nonetheless I cleaned with reckless abandon last night. I dusted. I organized. I threw out stuff I didn't need. I even came out of the closet, or rather, cleaned it out. Having a clean rooms makes me feel so happy! It feels fresh and new and fun. Not that it was dirty before I cleaned it (I always keep it clean), it had just been a while since I've totally cleaned everything.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
**** censorship
It has come to my attention that Jordan Harvey is often unable you view my blog due to words such as under**** (undergarments), or tho** (a leather strap), or any other word that could possibly be taken in a bad way on the Internet. Darn those fancy pants Internet filters! Anyway, I have a story to share.
A few years ago me and my friends Josh and Russ decided to have an adventure. It involved a laser pointer and a ***** (defiantly can't say that word) guy. And not to mention this happened at about 10:30 at night. All there is to say is that laser pointers and bored teenagers don't mix. Especially when you're ticking off a guy who is walking around *****.
Three chears for censorship!
A few years ago me and my friends Josh and Russ decided to have an adventure. It involved a laser pointer and a ***** (defiantly can't say that word) guy. And not to mention this happened at about 10:30 at night. All there is to say is that laser pointers and bored teenagers don't mix. Especially when you're ticking off a guy who is walking around *****.
Three chears for censorship!
Monday, September 24, 2007
The perfect morning
...Well, aside from sleeping in it was perfect.
I drank a cup of coffee and I read Wild at Heart while an outdoor show played in the background with the volume off (It was the next best thing to actually being out there myself).
I'm glad that we're reading Wild at Heart for our guys Bible study. I really wanted to read it again and this is the perfect way. I not only get to read it, but I get to meet with a bunch of guys and talk about it.
So yeah, the reason why I slept in was because I was still worn out and tired from our show Friday. I still am a little sore, but I feel a lot better today. My back is the main problem. Maybe I should get a massage from somebody who owes me one (or three). Hmmm...now who could I get to do that for me? Heh.
I drank a cup of coffee and I read Wild at Heart while an outdoor show played in the background with the volume off (It was the next best thing to actually being out there myself).
I'm glad that we're reading Wild at Heart for our guys Bible study. I really wanted to read it again and this is the perfect way. I not only get to read it, but I get to meet with a bunch of guys and talk about it.
So yeah, the reason why I slept in was because I was still worn out and tired from our show Friday. I still am a little sore, but I feel a lot better today. My back is the main problem. Maybe I should get a massage from somebody who owes me one (or three). Hmmm...now who could I get to do that for me? Heh.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
I think I melted my face off
Yeah. Today I'm sore and tired. I really could use a back rub. I have knots upon knots. Despite that I'm happy. The show last night was worth it.
We surprised a lot of people. Especially with out new song. Our whole set was solid. Everyone did well. I can't complain.
An interesting story...
Last night after our set, when we took our stuff down Russ just happened to be thirsty. While I was packing up Dustin's guitar he took a drink of my water I had on stage with me. Now, to clarify, I always have two waters with me. One is water. Plain old water. The other is salt water for my throat. So, guess which one he takes? Yes, the funky, chunky salt water. You may be wondering why do I describe it as "chunky"? Well, I don't actually swallow it. I spit it back into the bottle. As a matter of fact, the first thing I did when I got on stage was spit a gob of yuck into the bottle. Poor Russ. Poor, poor Russ...
We surprised a lot of people. Especially with out new song. Our whole set was solid. Everyone did well. I can't complain.
An interesting story...
Last night after our set, when we took our stuff down Russ just happened to be thirsty. While I was packing up Dustin's guitar he took a drink of my water I had on stage with me. Now, to clarify, I always have two waters with me. One is water. Plain old water. The other is salt water for my throat. So, guess which one he takes? Yes, the funky, chunky salt water. You may be wondering why do I describe it as "chunky"? Well, I don't actually swallow it. I spit it back into the bottle. As a matter of fact, the first thing I did when I got on stage was spit a gob of yuck into the bottle. Poor Russ. Poor, poor Russ...
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
I have absolutly nothing to say
But I'm still going to make the best of it.
Randomly I thought about a weird rock band that I, along with about 7 other people in the world, enjoy listening to. Crash Rickshaw. Now I find myself listening to my favorite song of theirs, Time Alone, on repeat. This song reminds me of how Cornerstone felt. It is in essence my own piece of Cornerstone that I can replay over and over again. Have you ever had a song or something else that by itself is insignificant yet it can evoke such strong emotions or memories? That's what this song does to me. It reminds me of people, places, conversations, smells. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and I was back in the van on our way home. The most vivid memory I have is driving down Main Street, turning onto West Penn St and knowing that the journey was ending. I'm overtaken by a desperate, helpless feeling because I know that the greatest adventure of my summer, possibly my life was over. I wanted nothing more than to be sitting in the second row of the church van with Jordan and Claire forever. Surrounded by everyone I love. Surrounded by everyone who loves me.
If you wish to listen to this song check it out on my myspace
Time Alone
Taken by a girl who makes me laugh
Typically, I have to be the clown
Her smile lights up the room as she serves her friends
And when the evening ends
It seems that's when the second hand kicks in
It's all good
Time alone
Driving, longing for a never-ending ride home
Where, Oh where have all the hours gone?
We could talk till dawn
About nothing...Everything
Returning home all that's in my head
Every word she said
Every future possibility
Watched you as you sat there
With your eyes closed
As you prayed with me
Power of a Godly woman
Knocks me to my knees
It knocks me to my knees
Randomly I thought about a weird rock band that I, along with about 7 other people in the world, enjoy listening to. Crash Rickshaw. Now I find myself listening to my favorite song of theirs, Time Alone, on repeat. This song reminds me of how Cornerstone felt. It is in essence my own piece of Cornerstone that I can replay over and over again. Have you ever had a song or something else that by itself is insignificant yet it can evoke such strong emotions or memories? That's what this song does to me. It reminds me of people, places, conversations, smells. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and I was back in the van on our way home. The most vivid memory I have is driving down Main Street, turning onto West Penn St and knowing that the journey was ending. I'm overtaken by a desperate, helpless feeling because I know that the greatest adventure of my summer, possibly my life was over. I wanted nothing more than to be sitting in the second row of the church van with Jordan and Claire forever. Surrounded by everyone I love. Surrounded by everyone who loves me.
If you wish to listen to this song check it out on my myspace
Time Alone
Taken by a girl who makes me laugh
Typically, I have to be the clown
Her smile lights up the room as she serves her friends
And when the evening ends
It seems that's when the second hand kicks in
It's all good
Time alone
Driving, longing for a never-ending ride home
Where, Oh where have all the hours gone?
We could talk till dawn
About nothing...Everything
Returning home all that's in my head
Every word she said
Every future possibility
Watched you as you sat there
With your eyes closed
As you prayed with me
Power of a Godly woman
Knocks me to my knees
It knocks me to my knees
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
Sleepless in...
So, it's nearly 2am and I'm not sound asleep like I should be. This is because tonight I foolishly made the mistake of making myself a milkshake. Milkshakes are harmless, don't get me wrong. But this milkshake was devious, cunning, and crafty. It tricked me into putting coffee in it. It wasn't much coffee, but then again any amount of coffee after 8pm is generally not a good idea.
This is double not good. Tomorrow morning I'm meeting Jeremy and Russ for breakfast at Eat n Park at 7:30. I am supposed to be up in about 4 and a half hours. Like I said, this is not good.
In other news, I finished painting a fishing lure I made by hand. I just have to seal it tomorrow. Once it's completely done I'll post pictures and whatnot.
This is double not good. Tomorrow morning I'm meeting Jeremy and Russ for breakfast at Eat n Park at 7:30. I am supposed to be up in about 4 and a half hours. Like I said, this is not good.
In other news, I finished painting a fishing lure I made by hand. I just have to seal it tomorrow. Once it's completely done I'll post pictures and whatnot.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
My big secret
God only knows why I'm writing this now. Maybe because I'm an attention whore. Maybe because I feel my half-baked attempts at honestly have not gotten the response I expected and I need to spice up this old blog. Maybe I've had this on my heart for long enough.
Recently, anytime I'm upset, or angry, or any other similar emotion I can't help but feel sick to my stomach. Sometimes, although not much recently, this would involve vomiting. Believe me, I never wanted to, nor do I now want to do this. It honestly isn't fun. I know it's all a mental thing. And for reassurance this rarely happens now. This is because I know it's all mental. If I feel it happening I stop everything for a moment and tell myself that I'm doing this and I can stop it...and that stops it. So, basically (if any of you have taken psychology you'll understand this) becoming sick has become a conditioned response to becoming stressed or upset. For those who don't know what a conditioned response is it's a response (being sick) to a stimuli (in my case the stimuli is being upset) that becomes conditioned into ones behavior over a period of time through reinforcement.
So, where did this response come from? The short and sweet answer is camp. The long complicated answer is well, long and complicated.
It started at camp when I was put into a situation where I was confused, upset, stressed out, and not given a chance to grieve or deal with it at all. (Side note: Some may know what situation I'm talking about, others may not. I find it petty and irrelevant to bring that into this, because this blog is not about that.) It was the second day of staff training. I was in a new and somewhat scary place with people I didn't know. And I have all this...we'll call it "stress" on me. I don't know how to deal with it. This isn't home, people's expectations of me are different. I am to be self-sacrificial. I am to bend over backwards (literally) and push-mow a hillside in the rain. I am to be the model Christian. Confident. Strong. Constantly smiling, because of Jesus' love for me. Now, none of that was verbally expressed to me, but I strongly inferred it from everyones attitude. So, what does this have to do with being sick? Well, later that same day I apparently looked quite ill so MattO asked if I felt alright. I said I felt horrible. Technically this wasn't a lie, because I did feel absolutely horrible, but at the same time I figured he'd assume that I was saying I was sick. Anyway, he told me to go lay down until I felt better. I did this. But not without many interruptions. Honestly, all I wanted was to lay on my bed alone for about an hour or so. I got annoyed after twenty minutes of people bothering me and having to tell them that I was feeling sick, so I just gave up and participated with whatever was happening then. I didn't really have a chance to try to untwist the knot of thoughts in my brain.
The rest of the week felt like that. I was too busy or always around people. Constantly doing something. Always moving. All I wanted was a moment of stillness to be with God, to clear out a lot of junk in my brain. I did eventually get one chance to do that. I had been watching everyone play signs (this was before I knew how to play). After watching (one person in particular) I felt sick to my stomach. Literally like I was going to throw up. I went out and walked around in the darkness for a while, with this tension inside me building. Then all at once the tension was released. Vomit. I blew chunks. Yacked. Whatever you would prefer to call it. Immediately following this I spent the next hour prostrate on the basketball court praying. All of that was to say, that's when it started. It seemed like anytime I was around a certian person I felt sick. Especially at meal times, because that was when I saw them most. This made me have to chose whether I should eat, or feel really sick. Because anytime I ate it just made me feel sicker.
Recently, anytime I'm upset, or angry, or any other similar emotion I can't help but feel sick to my stomach. Sometimes, although not much recently, this would involve vomiting. Believe me, I never wanted to, nor do I now want to do this. It honestly isn't fun. I know it's all a mental thing. And for reassurance this rarely happens now. This is because I know it's all mental. If I feel it happening I stop everything for a moment and tell myself that I'm doing this and I can stop it...and that stops it. So, basically (if any of you have taken psychology you'll understand this) becoming sick has become a conditioned response to becoming stressed or upset. For those who don't know what a conditioned response is it's a response (being sick) to a stimuli (in my case the stimuli is being upset) that becomes conditioned into ones behavior over a period of time through reinforcement.
So, where did this response come from? The short and sweet answer is camp. The long complicated answer is well, long and complicated.
It started at camp when I was put into a situation where I was confused, upset, stressed out, and not given a chance to grieve or deal with it at all. (Side note: Some may know what situation I'm talking about, others may not. I find it petty and irrelevant to bring that into this, because this blog is not about that.) It was the second day of staff training. I was in a new and somewhat scary place with people I didn't know. And I have all this...we'll call it "stress" on me. I don't know how to deal with it. This isn't home, people's expectations of me are different. I am to be self-sacrificial. I am to bend over backwards (literally) and push-mow a hillside in the rain. I am to be the model Christian. Confident. Strong. Constantly smiling, because of Jesus' love for me. Now, none of that was verbally expressed to me, but I strongly inferred it from everyones attitude. So, what does this have to do with being sick? Well, later that same day I apparently looked quite ill so MattO asked if I felt alright. I said I felt horrible. Technically this wasn't a lie, because I did feel absolutely horrible, but at the same time I figured he'd assume that I was saying I was sick. Anyway, he told me to go lay down until I felt better. I did this. But not without many interruptions. Honestly, all I wanted was to lay on my bed alone for about an hour or so. I got annoyed after twenty minutes of people bothering me and having to tell them that I was feeling sick, so I just gave up and participated with whatever was happening then. I didn't really have a chance to try to untwist the knot of thoughts in my brain.
The rest of the week felt like that. I was too busy or always around people. Constantly doing something. Always moving. All I wanted was a moment of stillness to be with God, to clear out a lot of junk in my brain. I did eventually get one chance to do that. I had been watching everyone play signs (this was before I knew how to play). After watching (one person in particular) I felt sick to my stomach. Literally like I was going to throw up. I went out and walked around in the darkness for a while, with this tension inside me building. Then all at once the tension was released. Vomit. I blew chunks. Yacked. Whatever you would prefer to call it. Immediately following this I spent the next hour prostrate on the basketball court praying. All of that was to say, that's when it started. It seemed like anytime I was around a certian person I felt sick. Especially at meal times, because that was when I saw them most. This made me have to chose whether I should eat, or feel really sick. Because anytime I ate it just made me feel sicker.
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